


Shadows of Doubt

by PoppyCain



Series: Shadows of Doubt [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Consensual, Consent, Enemies to Lovers, F/M, First Order, Force Bond (Star Wars), Inappropriate Use of the Force, It's pretty much YA, Jedi, Knights of Ren - Freeform, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, Like it will take forever for a kiss, Master & Padawan Relationship(s), Mentor/Protégé, No extreme violence but there will be blood, POV First Person, POV Third Person, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Soul Bond, Soulmates, Supreme Leader Kylo Ren, The Force, There will be a named character death, Trauma, also planets will be exploded, but their not a main character, like really slowburn, slowburn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-29
Updated: 2021-02-03
Packaged: 2021-03-15 23:00:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 17,745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29072187
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PoppyCain/pseuds/PoppyCain
Summary: Solstice is force sensitive, but she's no Jedi.Using her abilities to fix machinery and tap into the inner workings of trinkets and Starships alike, she has earned a name for herself as one of the youngest, and best, mechanics in the galaxies.But one day, whilst working on a rebel ship, she is apprehended by the first order and given an ultimatum. Work for them, repairing and upgrading their ships or face capital punishment.Sol didn't think it was a hard choice to make, but between hiding her abilities from the haunting, savage, Kylo Ren and trying to fight the growing revulsion and hatred she has for the first order, it might be a tough time just staying alive- not to mention keeping up with quotas.The stars are bright, but there are ages of darkness between them. With Kylo Ren closing in, Sol knows without a shadow of a doubt she should kill him to save the galaxy, but can she face the sparks growing in the space between them?
Relationships: Ben Solo | Kylo Ren/Original Female Character(s), Ben Solo/Original Female Character(s), Kylo Ren/Original Female Character(s), Kylo Ren/Reader
Series: Shadows of Doubt [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2132958
Comments: 1
Kudos: 11





	1. The Force

Quick Warning: Kylo doesn't appear for the first 2-3 chapters, but he will be in almost all of them after that :) These initial chapters are setting up the story. This first chapter is also weak compared to the upcoming ones! The quality gets better from here on out, as well as the wordcount! The first two chapters are around 2500 words, but from after that I aim to get about 3000-5000 per chapter.

My oil smeared hands gripped the wrench, slipping as I tugged on it with all my strength.

The nut which I was trying to loosen sat in a motionless state, happily screwed in place and allowing a disgusting amount of grease to spew out from the regulatory system.

"Godsdammit" I grunted, wiping my hands on my overalls and falling back into my toolbox, the contents of which clanking and crashing as they fell across the floor.

Hissing obscenities, I picked myself up, rubbing myself where I had just sat on a hammer, and walked round to the other side of the wrench, flipping it off before kicking it in the desired direction with a booted foot.

It gave way, and putrid grease stopped escaping from the emergency valve, but the sole of my foot smarted in pain.

The regulatory system let out a depressive groan before humming to life, the sound music to my ears.

"Well that wasn't so hard was it."

Sitting down I sighed, resting my head against the corrugated metal of the ship.

Usually I was much more put together than this, and not so temperamental with my equipment, but rent was coming up and with all the extra expenses I had had to pay this month, like shipping in new parts from off-world and getting more medicine for Crissy, there wasn't a whole lot left over to put towards even the most basic of necessities.

Talking of Crissy, I pulled myself up, stepping past piles of my tools and looked over the edge of the manhole I was working in, worried by the sudden lack of her chatter which had filled the afternoon's work.

She was there, resting against the inside of our clients ship, which was docked in our shop, sleeping quietly with my old, battered datapad forgotten in her hands.

Placing one hand on the floor, which was a meter up from where I stood, I jumped cautiously up onto the metal walkway. 

The sound didn't rouse her, even as my boots pounded along the metal- a sign of her slow recovery back to health.

Crissy, my junior sister of seven years, was still as death, although from the pink tint to her cheeks and soft rise and fall of her chest she was anything but.

She was sick, had been for a while, with an infection that had rattled her lungs since birth. Creeping over to her, I tugged the blanket she carried around to ward off draughts further up her shoulders, resisting pushing her hair behind her ear, as my oil stained hands would surely mark up the soft yellow of her hair.

She looked exhausted, though I knew the medicine I had found was helping ease the most recent bought of fever that had taken to her. Even as she slept, small furrows lines her brow, a sign of discomfort even in unconsciousness.

Rubbing my hands reverently against my overalls, I took one of her hands, gently disentangling it from the data pad.

Looking around, I glanced over my shoulder, making sure the doors to our shop were all closed, and no small rugrat from the street had creeped in and was peering at us.

What I was about to do, I knew was no light feat, and even near 60 years since the fall of the republic, people were terrified of unexplainable events, such as things moving on their own or healing by touch. Anything that might rouse the force. 

Holding one of her hands, I turned back to my sister, 12 summers old, though she might look only 10.

One hand gripped hers, the other I brought up to her face, holding it a short distance away.

Instantly, I felt the stirring that I recognised as the force, a kind of invisible wave that existed both within and outside of me. 

Closing my eyes, I leaned into those ripples, focusing on drawing out discomfort with one hand, and pushing a serene sleep upon her with the other.

The force shifted around me, rumbling quietly in the way I found only I could hear.

Blinking, I opened my eyes and watched my sister stir, sighing as those furrows in her brow lifted.

Bringing my hand from her face, I gently tucked her own hand under the blanket, watching as her lashes fluttered slightly. Dreaming, hopefully of somewhere far away from Hosnian, the world we were living on.

Taking a moment to watch her, the everlasting tension in my shoulders eased slightly.

But I couldn't rest for long, I had to finish this ship, message the owner, scramble up some food from what was left in our apartment, wash up, and then a million other tasks before I could sleep.

And then, I would be up by dawn, back to work.

Brushing some dust from Crissy's blanket, I stood from where I was crouching, stretching like a cat as my joints cracked.

Turning, I ran my hands, oil and all, over my hair. 

Work, then home.

~~~~~~

I hadn't been long, the rest of the ships problems were much easy to sort than the laborious regulatory system, and soon enough I found myself sitting at the table in the small apartment me and Crissy lived in.

She was awake, finally, the bruises that usually haunted her eyes a little lighter after her force induced nap, and chewing on some seaweed grown on one of the planets sodium seas.

Looking over my shoulder as I washed my own plate, I spied her making a face as a piece of meat I had thrown in there.

"Eat it. I paid a king's ransom for a rasher of that-" I said, pointing with a soapy spatula to her plate.

"Why does it taste like that." She complained, her thin arms pressing against herself as she stuck out her tongue and gagged.

Hissing I dropped the spatula in the dishwater, and walked over to her, grabbing the fork out of her hand and sitting down next to her.

"Hey what are you doing?!" She protested, hands slapping feebly at my arms as I contemplated the slice of moof.

"Hmm," I hummed, taking a deep sniff and ignoring her squawking, "A prime cut, definitely off a mature moof who's skin was rubbed in the most luxurious body oils-"

Peeking out of one eye, I raised my eyebrow to Crissy, smacking my lips, "So delicious, how could you pass up a speciality such as this?"

Crissy promptly snatched the fork back, glaring daggers at me, "You're dumb."

Smirking as she ate the meat without complaint, I shook her head with one hand.

With quick haste, she downed the rest of the bowl, and pushed it away from herself, "Can I go to bed yet?" 

"Nope," I quipped, noticing how she avoided my gaze, "It's time for your medicine. Go get it kiddo."

Crissy, hair as yellow as the sun, and eyes about the same size turned to look mournfully at me, "Sol I don't need any tonight, I feel just fine."

My right hand tightened slightly, "Cris go get the kit, even if you feel good we have to make sure the infections run its course."

I looked at her, her bright green eyes staring me down.

"Now Cris."

Sighing, she slithered off her seat, making sure to slam the chair in before wandering off to the small bathroom where we kept the bottle and syringes necessary.

I heard as the cabinet above the sink was opened, and her shuffling steps as she appeared back into the kitchen, obviously trying on the guilt card with the way she looked at me.

Reaching out a hand, I motioned for her to pick out one of the slim vials that, unlike the moof, practically had cost a kings ransom. Her slim fingers picked out the second, and last vial, which was still full, wangling it further between her fingers she dove into the pack for one of the syringes.

Eventually she pulled one out, and threw out an arm lazily, distracted with trying to zip up the pack.

Her sudden, screech turned my attention to her.

Glass slipped through fingers, and a shout built in my throat.

Crissy's medicine, the very thing I had spent all of our savings on was falling towards the floor.

I thrust out one hand, grabbing for the vial.

I didn't reach it in time, but the vial stopped mid air all the same.

Time itself, stopped.

And the force shifted around me. Thick, almost gelatinous against my senses, unlike I had felt it before.

The glass, filled with clear liquid hung in the air like it was suspended from a string.

Slowly, and definitely without breathing, I reached forward and plucked it from it's resting place.

Vial now safely within my hand, I sat back, daring to take a breathe.

Crissy was watching me, mouth hung wide and eyes even more so.

"Sol, since when could you do that? I thought you could only use the force" she whispered with great emphasis, clenching the kit in her hands tightly, "to help me sleep or to see what's wrong with a ship."

My heart, normally situated in my chest was hammering against my throat.

"I- I don't know." 

Holy shit.

I felt the force rippling around me, still charged from when I had used it, then spreading outwards like ripples on a pond.

Crissy grabbed my hand, her eyes bright with a sudden energy, "Do it again Solstice! Make it float!"

Brushing off my sisters hands, I gripped the vial with a religious fervour, "No Cris, it's time for your medicine."

Crissy was five, and I only twelve when our parents abandoned us on this planet, half in search of better prospects, half in fear of what I would grown to be. She, of course, did not remember the catalyst for their departure. We had been playing in our fathers repair shop, when I had grown bored with her, and like all older siblings do, abused my power.

Except I probably had a different kind of power.

I had used the force, without even knowing what I was playing with, and sent her into a deep sleep. 

My parents had witnessed the whole thing, I can still remember their faces as they tried to rouse Crissy, and put together the phenomenon along with the strange 'waves' I always complained about feeling in broken machinery. They had been gone within a week, leaving us in the care of an old colleague, with only a "don't tell anyone what you can do".

My eyes shuttered as I remembered the long years filled with paying off debts and having to become a parent before I became a teenager.

Shaking my head I looked at Crissy, who was fussing with the needle's packet.

Eventually she got it free and handed it over, with an annoyed aire.

"I don't get why you can't just levitate something, it would be so cool. Plus it would make carrying equipment so much easier."

Giving her a look, I slipped the needle into the vial, carefully watching as the medicine filled to the marked line.

"Cris you know that what I can do isn't safe. If I do it too much I might hurt someone, namely myself. Not to mention what would happen if people saw."

Slipping the needle from the bottle, I held it upside down, making sure there was no air left in it.

She was sat, arms crossed as she sulked, "Your not going to turn into a Sith Solstice, I don't get why everyone thinks it's so bad to be able to use the force. I wish I could."

Sliding my eyes away from the needle, I watched my sister, eternally grateful she wasn't sensitive like I was. 

"It's not about being a Sith Crissy. The Jedi did terrible things too, anything the force touches for long it corrupts." I said, holding out a hand for her to place arm in.

Moving to sit up, she let me take her arm, as I ran my fingers up and down trying to find the best spot. 

"Tell me the story of the rebellion." 

My eyes slid to Cris, and I sighed through my nose and pushed the needle into her skin, careful to keep it in the right place.

She hissed, but offered no further comment until I finished giving her the medication.

"Maybe tomorrow Cris." I spoke, drawing out the needle and separating it's metallic head from the glass body, which could be reused.

Crissy, in her ever petulant nature, huffed and took back the glass vial of the medicine and needle, stuffing them in her kit for tomorrow.

I watched her walk from the room, yellow hair swaying behind her in a long braid.

The bathing room door clicked shut, and I heard the rush of water as she probably turned on the shower.

Sighing I sat back in my chair, looking over at the table, and past that the half-washed dishes.

A chore for tomorrow.

Taking the moment to reflect, I tuned out the sounds of Crissy stepping into the shower, and past that the sounds from the street below our apartment and the bustle of the town further than that.

I cast my inner eye's gaze to the force, cautiously watching out for those ripples that had pulsed out from me when I used the force to stop the vial.

I had never stopped something from moving mid air before, much less any kind of manipulation of the physical world. Until tonight, all I could do was sense the electrical problems in machinery, putting people to sleep, taking the odd amount of pain, and of course sensing the most basic emotions from people -which was only useful for figuring out if someone was trying to stiff me on a deal-. 

What had happened was strange, and made me feel like I had disturbed the force more than was wise. 

Shaking my head I went to stand, only to feel a sudden shudder run through me.

Groaning I touched a hand to my midsection, instantly knowing it was not from the physical world.

Still focused on the force world, I watched as ripples of energy pushed past me, a mirror to the ones I had sent out.

Perhaps they were just my own, reflecting back after getting so far?

Blinking, I pulled myself back into the focus of this world.

I should not dwell on that which I did not understand, and shook of my hands, pushing them over my mousy brown hair.

Shaking off my whole body, I couldn't escape the sudden urge to get up and move, the force sending small sparks along my arms and legs.

And with that urge, I looked over at the notice board where I had pinned up each slot for clients.

For the next two days there was a space.

A space I had a sudden itch to fill.

Grabbing a few credits I picked up a coat and crossed the quick journey of the apartment to the bathing room.

Crissy, who must have just turned off the shower was wrapped in a towel screeched as I ducked round the door and said in a rushed voice, "I'm heading out to town, I'll be back soon."

Crissy seized me in a stare fit for the Queen of Naboo.

"Not dressed like that your not."


	2. Cantina

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I post under @PoppyCain on Wattpad as well :) So feel free to read on either platform! I do write there first though, and then copy over chapters to A03 so if you want to be the very first to read- check my Wattpad.
> 
> In this chapter Solstice is on the hunt for a new client, but will she bite off more than she can chew?

I was somewhat grateful to Crissy who had taken one look at my hair and stained, oil saturated overalls and forced me to change.

She had laughed, using our shared hairbrush to finally give my hair the untangling it had been missing- and insisted I changed into a loose white shirt and trousers so that I at least didn't look like a mechanic.

Obviously, she was too young to go to any Cantina's in our immediate area, so I left her at home with strict instructions to be asleep by the time I was back- mostly because I had seen her eyeing the datapad's games.

Looking at myself in our rather grubby mirror on the bathroom cabinet, I hoped I would look fancy enough to entice in a customer with a small transport that I could fix up, or perhaps do some aesthetic recalibrations for one of the planets few traders.

Running a hand over my light brown hair, which was removed from its usually pile on top of my head, and instead braided down my spine like Crissy liked, I took a shallow breath. Usually I kept mine shorter, but within the recent few months my attention had slipped, allowing it to grow halfway down my spine.

Either way the idea of new business, and that strange buzzing left in my stomach from the force drove me from the apartment, walking along the streets with my cloak pulled close to ward off the chill.

Soon enough though, I reached the Cantina where I knew most out of towners gathered, and pressed back the hood of my cloak as I walked in.

Instantly I was met with a cacophony of noise, mostly laughter and the clink of glasses.

There was a lot of heat too, forcing me to slide off my cloak and loop it over an arm. 

A few faces turned to mine, but instead of looking for a seat around the edge, I walked straight towards the bar- credits burning a hole in my pocket.

The bar, light up like the moon, had two empty stools. Situation myself on one of them, I raised a hand to the barkeep, throwing my cloak across my lap with the other.

The barkeep, a Duro I had seen around town before, gave me an appraising look.

"What'd ya want?"

Shit. I hadn't planned this far ahead.

"A Bakuran Bitter" I said, thinking of the first thing to cross my mind.

The Duro just shrugged, bending under the bar to fill a mug of the alcohol.

A set of laughter had me turning to watch a group of traders slap each other on the back, pointing to a small hologram game.

Watching them for a moment, I turned back to the bar when the Duro slammed a mug down.

"Three credits."

Rolling my eyes I fished out three notes from my pocket, slapping them on the counter with much less force than the barkeep.

Taking the mug in my hand, I took a cautious sniff.

Alcohol alright.

Resisting the urge to make a face like Crissy had with her moof meat, I took a sip- forcing myself to not waste my money.

"Aren't you that mechanic over on Lowes street?" A voice came from behind me.

Coughing I swallowed the Bakuran so as not to choke, and turned round to face the voice.

It belonged to a man with tan skin, probably in his years before the middle age.

"Yeah, you recognised me?" I asked, sure that with a shower and clean clothes no local, much less a trader would be able to pin point me.

The man motioned to the seat next to me, and I nodded cautiously.

"Well you looked a lot different this morning, I was going to stop by to enquire about a fuel cell for my X-wing."

Placing my mug back on the counter I gave the man a once over.

X-Wings were new republic resistance ships, and whilst I was no supporter of the first order I most certainly wasn't about to side against them by joining the resistance.

He watched my face with chocolate brown eyes, the smallest of dimples appearing when he noticed the frown fall over my face.

"I'm not looking for trouble." I said, crossing one of my legs over the other.

He shrugged, "Neither am I. I'm just looking for a fuel cell that will last me to Jakku and back."

I watched his stubbled chin as he spoke, not keen on looking to friendly with who was appearing more and more to be part of the ever present resistance. "What's on Jakku?" I asked, snaking out a hand for my mug again.

Not that I was colluding with a resistance fighter, but if I was I certainly wasn't doing it sober.

He smiled, eyes catching mine in a careful stare. "Family friends." His hands weren't holding a drink like the rest of the Cantina occupants, and he wiped them down his trousers in a mundane motion.

Whilst I looked into his eyes with my own, I let my force senses guide me, as I liked to do with first time dealers.

I watched his force body, a pale yellow mixed with green.

No bad intentions, but an odd mix of excitement and ... hope?

Pulling back into my own senses, I saw his smile tighten, signifying I had probably been looking for too long.

Tightening my grip on the mug I thought of the cost of Crissy's medication, and how much I could make off selling the man a fuel cell. We could certainly use the money, and replacing a fuel cell was easy work if it's predecessor wasn't too damaged. I might even be able to pick up another job to fill my shortage, and double my money.

The thought of covering my ass if Crissy got sick again had my mind running over the possibilities.

Taking a quick look around the Cantina I tried to ease my worried. Nobody here looked like a first order informant. Though, I guessed, the point of a spy was to blend in.

Whatever, it's worth the gamble to make up for the cost of the medicine. I thought.

And so I had made my mind up.

"600 credits." I said, taking a sip of the Bakuran Bitter.

"600?" He questioned, eyebrows pulling together as he tried to keep up his happy appearance. "They might cost 500 from any other vendor here."

I looked back at the man, well pilot perhaps if this ship was his own.

"500 for the cell. 100 for discretion ... and a diagnostics check." I stated, running my thumb over the mugs rough hewn surface.

His eyes met mine again, a stubborn edge in them that persisted for a long moment before an easy smile broke over his face, "Honestly I would have paid 600 alone for a diagnostics check, I've heard your the best electrician around."

Sniffing at the compliment I took another sip.

"So when can I bring my ship to your shop?" 

Alarm bells rang through my head. Although I might be willing to refit the guys fuel cell I didn't want his X-Wing sitting in my shop attracting all sorts of attention.

"You don't." I said, watching that group of traders again with their holograph game. "I'll being the cell and fit it wherever you've got the ship parked."

His eyes bore into me, so I turned back to look at him.

I might look young, but I certainly wasn't stupid. An X-Wing wasn't exactly subtle. 

Giving up he simply shrugged and held out a hand, which I took a second too long to realise I should shake.

His grip was strong, though his hands were nowhere near as calloused as my own.

"Old girl's parked out by the East Forest, behind Dolly's inn."

Nodding I knew where he meant, and tried to retract my hand, but his grip kept it in place.

Glancing up to his face I felt my skin flush. What was he doing? 

"Could I get your name? I've heard of your work but not you as a mechanic." He had leaned forward on his seat, not in a creepy way but in an overly-friendly way I was definitely not comfortable emulating with a possible resistance fighter.

"Solstice." I said, ripping my hand from his own with no more decorum than a reversing Hutt.

He nodded, obviously not offended by my reaction as he laughed quietly, "Mine's Poe."

Rolling my eyes I took another swig, the bitter slowly creating a heat in my throat that helped to ease my sudden regret of making the bargain.

"I'll replace your fuel cell tonight, but I want payment upfront." I said, frowning as Poe continued to look at me like I was some kind of ghost.

To that he cocked his head to the side, "Don't trust me?"

"I make a habit not to trust anyone in the business who fly X-Wings." I sniped.

His smile dipped a bit, but he just shook his head, "Well, we can't all be the galaxies brightest mechanics." 

And with that Poe hopped off his stool, fishing a few credit ingots out his pocket. 

I inhaled sharply at the presence of money, though to someone who travelled far and wide I supposed it wasn't that much.

Poe handed me the right amount, boyish charm radiating off him though he was certainly older than me. "I'll see you around, Solstice."

Frowning I shook my head at the use of my name, but pocketed the ingots all the same. Far too much to carry on my person without fear of being mugged. I would make sure to walk home and stash them in our box until I could turn it into smaller notes.

Still, he walked from the bar, and even though I was not using my force-sight, I could tell that pale yellow and green glow followed him, like he was doing something he believed to be truly righteous.

"Resistance fighters." I muttered to myself, swinging back around to look at the half-finished mug. 

May as well get what I paid for.

It didn't take me long to finish, though I wish I had left it when Poe had left, because there was an alien buzz in my veins. Not enough for me to be on sleeps doorstep, but enough for me to be interested in changing this fuel cell tonight.

Standing I left my mug on the bar, throwing my cloak over my shoulder, credit ingots burning a hole in my trousers pocket.

The cantina had become more packed throughout my short stay, and I struggled to make it through the crowd, the door finally in sight.

Squeezing past a few humanoids I squeezed out of the press, shaking my hands before making my way to the door.

It opened before I could reach the sensor, the smell of the town relieving my senses from the stale air of the cantina.

Out of the entrance, a man dressed in black robes emerged, making me move to the side as his overwhelming figure made up the doorway.

His hood covered his face, making me unable to pinpoint his face.

All the same I walked forward, moving past him as he strode into the building.

Icey cold air swirled around me, making me clench my lips together.

It took almost an eternity in those moments, as the man walked past me, his very presence feeling like a shot of cold water on my face.

But it did end, and the man moved past, allowing me to make my exit.

As he made his way into the building, the sudden freeze stopped, leaving me staring after him like I had just seen Luke Skywalker himself.

Shaking my head I turned away, quickly propelling myself into the nights air, which was mellow compared to the sudden freeze that had overtaken me.

Shaking my head, I cursed myself for that Bitter, the alcohol I was so unused to probably playing tricks with my ability to sense things.

~~~

After stowing the credits in my small floor safe, I changed clothes and lightly berated Crissy for still being awake.

After I changed I took my own, newer datapad from the room we shared, and made my way to the door out of our apartment.

"Sol can you get me a glass of water."

Rolling my eyes, I looked at the door, then turned to the kitchen.

"Nothing but a bloody slave," I muttered, hunting for a glass and running it under the tap.

Quickly, making sure to wipe of an errant water trickle I made it back to our room, Crissy smiling up at me sleepily.

I placed the glass next to her, on the table we shared, sitting down on my bed which was right next to her own.

"Well kiddo I managed to find a new client, I'll be heading out now to finish it up before morning."

Crissy frowned, but her small hands grasped the glass, helping her take a big gulp, "Now? It's the middle of the night."

I shrugged, watching as she pulled the covers up around herself.

"Yeah he paid extra," Running a hand along the braid she had put in, I smiled at her gentle action, "Plus I thought maybe tomorrow we can go look around town, find something for your birthday."

Crissy put the water down and smiled at me, "It's not my birthday for another month, are you going senile?"

Flicking my finger at her nose I hissed, "Don't be rude. I just thought with the extra money I could get you something you wanted. Now sleep."

Popping my hand on her face I pushed her back into the pillows, making her groan and slap my hands away.

Under my skin I felt the force itching, so I pulled away quickly, smiling at my sister.

Not this time.

"Go to sleep. Or I'll sell your datapad for moof juice."

I waited until she had snuggled under the covers, and tapped my fingers against the light source above our beds.

Rising, I closed to door to, and made for the front door.

Against the back of my mind I felt the force shift, making me frown and shut the door behind me with a little too much force, locking it for good measure.

The force, godsdamn it, was restless today, both within my own use of it and mysterious movements. And whatever it so entailed, I had no desire to understand.

But the whole business with the resistance pilot made me even more antsy. Things were happening which I didn't like, things interfering with me holding down a job and looking after Crissy. Better to get it over with now, sort his fuel cell, run a diagnostics check and get home and back to my regular life.

Simple.

Drawing my cloak around my body, warding off anything of this untoward day, I headed for the East Forest, which was just past the edge of town.

On my way, I passed the Cantina, which must have shut for the night because dead silence greeted the air, making me think about that regrettable Bakuran Bitter which still sent nerves of anxiety through me, though the hum of alcohol in my blood had ceased.

There was a man, sleeping slumped against the wall to the door, obviously black out drunk or homeless. 

My eyes focused on the pool of liquid at his side, probably from some drink he had spilled after stumbling from the establishment pissed beyond beggars belief.

Making sure to step over his slumbering body without putting my feet in his booze, I crossed the space- heading onwards.

Cutting through the backstreets to my shop, I held onto the small keys to my apartment.

I didn't trust many people, but I especially didn't trust the inhabitants of the city at night.

Eventually though, I made it to my workshop, and picked out a fuel cell that would fit Poe's X-Wing. Loading it onto the very old, very decrepit speeder at the back of the shop.

I kept meaning to do it up, but really I never had the time to refurbish a piece of junk that helped get one thing from a to b.

Quickly enough though, I was packed, and moving on to my next destination, though it was too late in the night for reasonable work.

It was a long ride to the outer rim of the city, and I found myself messing with the old radio, trying to escape a strange nagging feeling in my gut.

Not tonight, I thought. Whatever is out there stirring in the universe has nothing to do with me.

How tragically wrong I was.


	3. Ultimatum

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sol works on Poe's ship.
> 
> But she will face the ultimate price for daring to go against the first order.

It was 2am when I managed to get to the X-wing, I found it after some not so hard poking around in Dolly's covered docking hangar, amongst a small collection of other trading ships. Those who stayed here often paid for less sound that in the city, so I tried to be quiet whilst unloading the fuel cell and taking a look at the X-Wing. It was a T-70, and modified past the regular armaments.

The fuel cell could be changed from the outside, but I would have to get inside to run a diagnostics check without looking suspicious.

Not that I didn't already look suspicious carting around a fuel cell at 2am.

Running my hand along the black and orange paint I smiled- Poe, even if he was a possible resistance fighter- took care of the machine, and there was obvious care going into maintenance the machine, which would make my job a lot easier.

Nothing got on my nerves more than people disrespecting their ships. The amount of times I had been hired to fix punched-out control boards made my blood boil.

"Well this won't be so hard." I mused, as I came to the rear of the ship, seeing that the old fuel cell had only been damaged internally, and wasn't affecting the slot it fitted into.

Gripping the cell, I found a wrench hanging from my belt, carefully loosening the screws needed to slide out the part.

This was the best part of the job, no socialising, no oil making it impossible to work, just me and my wrench and the ship.

Losing myself in the work, I was pulled back into reality after a few minutes by a whirring, and ominous beeping.

Whipping my head over my shoulder I frowned. I had thought I was alone when I entered the hangar, not seeing or hearing a soul.

I watched the dark for a while, the flashlight attached to my cruiser only illuminating the part of the ship I was working on.

After a long moment, without silence, I returned my attention to the ship, trying to figure out how the tracks worked on a T-70. My focus was once again tested by a persistent beeping, making me stiffen.

Snapping my head around I scowled into the dark. I was not having any more weirdness tonight.

"Whoever's out there, I have a wrench and I'm not afraid to use it." I warned, speaking through my teeth to the darkness.

Another beep, and a whir.

I snatched the flashlight off my cruiser, swinging it in the direction of the noise.

Turns out I shouldn't have been so worried.

There, sat behind the legs of another ship, was a small droid, it's black photoreceptor watching me in an almost comical curiosity. Beeping again, it rolled forward, flicking out a metal arm from within it and igniting a lighter.

I frowned, as it continued chittering and rolled towards me, almost in aggression.

Snorting with mirth I shook my head, "Look little dude I don't know who you belong to, but I'm not here to steal anything."

It chittered in electrical beeps, the lighter waving closer to me as it tried to stick close to the side of the X-Wing.

And then it clicked in my mind.

"Are you a friend of Poe's?"

The lighter extinguished, but the arm remained out.

Cute.

"Look I'm here to replace his fuel cell-" I laughed again, watching the droid as it stared back at me, "Don't get so pressed."

I turned back to the ship, propping my flashlight up so I could see the droid and the cell, in case the little bastard tried to light me on fire. It definitely had that look in it's photoreceptor.

It rolled around my side as I finally undid the last screw, and pointed to where blaster fire had wrecked the cell, "You know you guys are messing with dangerous people. First and last time I ever help the resistance."

The droid rolled into my shin, hard, making me cuss and flick it's antenna, "Get off me Rollie. I'm speaking the truth."

The droid beeped, and I cocked an eyebrow, "BB-8? Mine's Sol."

Tugging out the fuel cell I grunted at it's weight.

BB-8 chirped again, rolling over my foot to get the other side of the ship.

"Watch it!" I warned, hopping around the discarded cell to grab the replacement.

Over the clanging of me trying to grip the new fuel cell and shove it into the chirping of BB-8, I didn't notice the footsteps.

Struggling to lift the heavy fuel cell without my usual equipment I finally managed to push it in, locking the front tracks so the cell wouldn't come sliding back out onto me. Stepping back I screeched, because Poe had appeared out of thin air, the droid humming around his feet.

"MOTHER WEPT MAN!" 

Clutching my chest I resisted the urge to throw my wrench at his stubbled face, which was smiling at mine.

"You know I didn't really think you meant tonight tonight." Poe said, leaning against his ship.

He had the same leather jacket on as earlier, but his hair was mussed in a way that suggested he had been sleeping- probably awoken by the droid sensing my presence.

"Bloody guard droid," I muttered, and turned back to the ship, desperate to send the message I wasn't in the business of talking to resistance fighters. Plus, now it would be harder to run my force diagnostics check if someone was looking over my shoulder, asking how I knew something was up.

"Well I have clients lined up for the next week, and now seemed like the best time." I said, shrugging as I began to tighten the bolts around the cell.

I heard him shift from one foot to the other, the droid beeping at him incessantly.

"Thanks I guess, means I can get off world sooner, save myself some trouble." 

Sparing a glance I saw him observing the old fuel cell, poking at the blaster hole. My blood chilled.

"Trouble?" I asked, watching him from the corner of my eye as my hands worked on securing the final tracks around the cell.

He looked up at me, brown eyes meeting my green ones. I snatched my eyes back to where I was tightening a bolt, but I hadn't missed the serious look on his face.

"The First Order. They entered this system a couple hours back- thought it might be nice to split before they do any inspections, after all, I'm not exactly a friend to them."

Something skipped a beat in my chest, my whole torso clenching as my hands stilled.

"The First Order?" My voice was deadly calm, in fact my whole body had suddenly stopped, my brain devoid of emotion.

Except panic.

I looked up, eyes making a straight path to his face. The boyish charm from the Cantina was gone, and replaced was the face of a man I could see as a resistance fighter. Cold, calm, serious.

My hand tightened on the wrench.

He noticed, a smile tugging at the side of his mouth. 

"You wouldn't know anything about that would you?"

The comment made my lip curl, and I took the few steps that lay between us, shoving my wrench flat against his chest, "I may not be part of the resistance, but I'm sure as hell not stupid enough to ever rat you out to the First Order."

One of his hands closed over the wrench, and I left it there, storming around him as I ignored the BB-8 unit which had gone quiet.

"I'll do your diagnostics check and then you'll leave this system. I don't care where you go- but I've got family here. And I will not let you turn this planet into a firefight," I spat, climbing up into the cockpit of the T-70. My hair, still in it's braid whipped behind me like it had a life of it's own.

I pulled myself up the stairs, arms straining as I slid into the seat.

Poe appeared at the base of the ladder, eyes rolling, "It's just the Mandator. I'll be too fast for it when they realise I'm here, if they ever do."

"The mandator is a dreadnought!" I growled, the droid unit beeping at my tone.

Just the MANDATOR? I threw Poe a dirty face, plugging in my monitoring device into the control system, trying not to let the hammering in my heart overwhelm my senses.

This is going to be fine, I told myself.

They could be here for any reason, and even then this asshole will be gone and me and Cris will be fine. Besides, once they realise he's gone they won't even care about sending troops.

Luckily, Poe had turned to talk to the droid, muttering about the sands on Jakku.

With the hand that was hidden from them, I touched it to some wires exposed beneath the panel. The ship wasn't on so I didn't risk a shock.

Turning my head so they couldn't see the focus on my face, I closed my eyes, concentrating on feeling the inner workings of the ship.

I probably should have been more cautious with using the force, today I had used it more than I usually did in a week, but there was no other way for me to quickly run a check and get back to Crissy to wait out the storm of the First Order.

Reaching out with the force, I ran my consciousness through the tangle of electronics, sensing for burnt wires or loose connections.

One popped up by my left hand, another in the console above me, but as the rest of the ship, it was surprisingly looked after.

Coughing I opened my eyes, pulling away and feeling the force humming within me, then going quiet.

Poe had not noticed, neither the droid, and I switched a flip on my monitoring device, making it beep soflty.

"You have two faulty wires," I said tersely, pretending to check the screen, "I'll fix them and then you will leave. Got it?!"

The pilot looked up, looking aggravated and tired, "Yeah princess whatever."

Pulling at the consoles I had them changed with haste, frowning as Poe watched me. 

"This wasn't worth the money." I muttered as I slid back out of the seat, jumping from the cockpit and landing boots first with a thud.

Slipping under the ships belly I walked around to my cruiser, loading up the busted fuel cell with the intention of trashing it the second I got back to my shop tomorrow. I was securing the ties when Poe re-appeared, helmet in one hand that he must have grabbed from the cockpit, and a questioning look on his face.

"What?!" I snapped, "You've caused enough trouble."

He rolled his eyes, and held out my wrench I had slapped on him, "I want to leave on good terms. Even if you don't fight for the resistance, you should know we're fighting for you and your freedom."

Taking a moment to regard him, I gripped the wrench, but didn't snatch it.

I took a breathe, feeling the anger that had permeated my senses and let it dissipate.

"Look dude, I don't like the First Order any more than you. But it's people like me that get caught in the crosshairs when your people decide we need to be free." Suddenly, the day caught up to me, and I felt a million years old when I said, "What good is freedom when it costs everything?"

Sliding the wrench onto my belt I jumped up onto the cruiser, hauling my legs over the side as I jumped into the driving seat.

BB-8 whirred up, shattering at me.

"Yeah yeah whatever, you should write fortune cookies."

I turned my head up to watch Poe who was returning my gaze.

He lifted a hand as I started my engine, no longer bothering about waking any other inhabitants in the hangar.

"Thanks for the cell," He smiled, giving me a mock bow, "Catch you on the flipside princess."

Sniffing I pushed my braid over my shoulder, so it fell behind me, "You better hope not, otherwise I'll turn your droid into scraps."

I was joking.

Mostly.

A little.

Pushing my foot down on the throttle, I made sure to high-tail it from that hangar, grimacing at a Rodian glaring down at me from it's ship.

Swerving out of the doors, I took a cursory glance at the night sky before trees obscured my view.

Somewhere, far up in that reach less night a first order dreadnought was stalking the night. And I had no interest in getting tangled up in their business. Back to the shop, and then home. 

"Time to stay out of trouble." I grumbled, glancing at the fuel cell in the back seat of my cruiser.

~~~

Crissy had woken me at 8am, like usual, even though I had collapsed onto my bed fully dressed only a few hours prior.

She seemed exited to go shopping, and I couldn't blame her.

Still, it wasn't long until my stomach tightened, and I was reminded of the First Order who were stalking the skies above us. But Crissy didn't have to know that, and I wasn't going to be the one to worry her.

We dressed in nice clothes, and Cris even put my braided hair into a bun behind my head after I had turned her golden locks into a braided crown above her head. The colleague of our parents who had looked after us had taught us braiding when were first put in their care. Easier than brushing out kids hair everyday when you could stick it in a braid for a week.

Maybe I'd buy her some flowers to weave in for a day, make her feel like a princess.

Breakfast was a dismal affair, a few blue apples and the very last of our moof bacon, but I promised myself I would make up for it with getting her hot food from one of the vendors in town.

It was perhaps 10 when she finally dragged me from the house, hopping towards town in her clean pair of clothes. It was warm for autumn, the sun like a kiss on my face.

"I think I want a staff- ooh or a lizard- maybe some new shoes!" Crissy rambled, her milk white hand gripping my own, which was at least two shades darker.

I smiled down at her, ignoring the people we passed as we moved towards the centre of town, "Not a lizard Cris, we'd have to feed it." 

She stuck her tongue out at me, pointing her eyes toward her nose, imitating the lizards on our planet which had cross-eyes.

I went to pinch her but she wriggled out of my hand, skipping away in front of me.

It was a busy day, but I was too focused on Crissy's antics to have noticed the grim faces and sharp eyes that were unusually on edge.

The crowd got thicker as we walked towards the Cantina I had been in last night, voices chattering over each other. It was then I realised something might not be quite right. I couldn't place it, but a horrible tension began spreading across my chest. Faces looked at me, something hanging in the air like a bad smell.

"Cris!" I shouted, watching as she started getting further ahead of me, becoming indiscernible with the crowd.

I pushed past people who muttered indignation, trying to find that little girl with hair like the sun.

Mutters got louder, and the air constricted in my throat.

"CRISSY!"

People in my way. Too many people.

There, just over the shoulder's of people I saw a clearing in front of the Cantina, denizens standing in a way that made a circle.

Then, a scream over the terrified mutters.

"CRIS!" I screeched back, shoving people out of my way with a fury.

I burst from the crowd, hands gripping the little blonde girls shoulders, searching for the threat that had scared her.

I did not need look far.

Bodies, lined up on the ground, all brutalised in ways I could not imagine.

Gripping Crissy I swung her around into me, pushing her head into my shoulder blade as I knelt down so she could not see the horror.

But she already had. Strangled cries broke from her throat as she hid in me.

I myself had to close my eyes, shoving my face in Cris' hair.

Then the smell hit me, human waste and blood. Stinking in the first heat of the morning.

With the arm closest to me, I pushed my nose and mouth against the skin, trying to hide it from the offending scent.

But doing so left my eyes exposed, and I couldn't help but stare.

The group of traders I had seen playing the holographic game were laid down together, limbs that had been hacked off placed on the corpses.

My moof threatened to make an appearance, but I swallowed it down.

There, closest to us was the Duro barkeep, eyes missing from his head which had been separated.

I cannot begin to explain what I felt, for this was my first real experience with the dark horrors of this universe I had so foolishly thought would never cross me.

Thinking back to last night, I realised the man who had been slumped against the wall probably wasn't a drunk.

My eyes flickered to the door, and the wall where I had seen the man.

He still lay there, glassy eyes staring out and blood pooling beneath him.

Not booze then.

My hands tightened on Crissy's head.

Because above his corpse, was something that scared me even more than the broken bodies.

Red paint, a diamond laid upon a hoop, with two slashes free of paint within it's centre.

The mark of the Knights of Ren.

In an instant I was on my feet, holding Cris' head against my shoulder as I picked her up, pushing through the crowd with a strength I did not know I possessed.

People moved, faces stricken with horror as they stared at the scene behind me.

The Knight of Ren were murderers. Assassins. Butchers of the First Order. Servants of Kylo Ren, the last Sith. Force Users.

And I had truly believed they were myth, or at the very least not my problem. Why would they ever come to a small trading planet? 

Two people we passed were chattering in fear, I only heard snatches of their conversation.

"Dolly's hangar-"

"Resistance pilot-"

"Looking for a mechanic."

My heart made it's way to my ankles, and I knew my time was now running out.

Why had I trusted a goddamn resistance pilot.

As we reached the edge of the crowd Crissy scrambled from my grip, tears streaming down her face. She tried to pull me towards home, ragged sobs wrecking her body. "Take me home Sol. TAKE ME HOME!"

But I gripped her arm, using a worrying amount of strength against her tiny limbs.

"No Cris." I said, looking right in her eyes, the same glowing green as my own, "There's something I have to do. Get rid of. We can't waste time." I begged the universe she would see the danger in my eyes, understanding me.

Her lip quivered as I said this, eyes widening in terror.

I took it as an opportunity, gripping her hand and pulling her in the direction of my shop- white noise rushing past my ears and brain silent despite the cacophony of terror around me.

It took us barely a minute, sprinting like robbers to reach the shop.

Shouts followed us, and out of the corner of my eye I spotted the white of a Storm Trooper helment.

Fuck.

I shoved Crissy inside, snapping the door shut behind me and bolting it with every deadlock I possessed.

Time. Only a matter of it. I would not be foolish enough to run from the First Order. Not when I could have been placed at the scene of both the Cantina and the Hangar. I would not endanger Cris by running with her.

Cris was protesting as I pushed her into the main shop- but I slapped a hand over her tearstained mouth.

"Cris you're going to have to listen to me. Do not say a WORD until I'm done ok." I pleaded, grabbing her shoulder with one hand.

Digging out my credit ingots I shoved them into her pockets, sliding of my grabbing her blanket she had left yesterday and tugging it around her.

After I was done I looked her dead in the eyes, drinking in the sight of my beautiful baby sister.

"You're going to run home. Grab your medicine and anything you can carry. Then you're going to go to the seamstress in town- ask to apprentice for her ok!" I rambled, trying to figure out how to protect my sister.

"DO NOT go back to the apartment after that ok."

Crissy shook her head, but I clamped by hand down hard on her face.

There was a thump at the door, and Crissy screeched against my hand.

Questions burned in her eyes, and I knew I could not answer them all.

Right next to me, still loaded on my cruiser was the fuel cell.

I gripped Cris, talking as I moved towards the small window at the back of the shop, throwing it open with extreme force.

"I helped a resistance fighter, and the first order must have found out." I spoke, gripping her protesting form as I picked her up, seating her on the sill.

"I'm going to be ok," I lied to her, smiling despite the bangs that came from the door, Crissy's eyes wavering over my shoulder as she stared at it. She shook her head in terror or disbelief I did not know.

"I love you," I said, drawing her gaze back to me, removing my hand from her mouth, "But Cris you're going to have to run."

And with that I pushed her out of the window, the drop only a short one, and she landed in the dirt.

Snapping the window close, I heard her as she stood and pounded with her tiny fists, screeching my name.

"SOLSTICE!!"

I slammed the glass with a single fist, the look on my face scaring her off. "Goddamn it Cris do what you're told. GO!!"

I slammed the glass again, pulling a blind across it and praying the heavens above she would run.

The banging got louder, and I moved towards the front of my shop, knowing damn well there was nothing I could do to help myself except lie through my teeth.

Using the force crossed my mind, but I pushed the idea away instantly. I didn't know how I used it last night, and in order to get close enough to put them to sleep I'd be in the line of fire.

Not that I already wasn't.

And either way, using the force was just a sure-fire way to draw attention to Cris.

Anyone who could use the force was hunted down like a dog, their family with them. I would not sacrifice her safety to save myself.

The door flew open, blasted from it's hinges.

I turned to face it, a cold calm spreading through my limbs.

Two stormtroopers burst in, guns pointing at me.

My hands were already raised, face impassive.

Behind them, a First Order officer, grey uniform and cap.

My judge, jury and executioner.

The Storm Troopers flanked either side of me, and I almost snorted at where they stood. If they were to fire on my they would more likely end up catching each other in the crossfire.

Idiots.

But the officer, there was a light behind his dead eyes. This one wasn't as stupid.

"Are you Solstice Nox?" His voice slithered over my ears.

"Yes." I answered truthfully, a little surprised at my last name. I didn't realise there was any record of it, much less it being known about.

His cold eyes met mine, a grim haughtiness that only those in the First Order could own plastered across his face.

"You have been identified as helping a member of the resistance, spotted at a Cantina shaking hands with him, and then later leaving a hangar his ship was docked in."

Shit.

I took a breath, the cold in my veins turning to ice. The masks of the storm troopers were like mirrors. I wondered if they were even human.

"I didn't know he was resistance. I would never help those rats." I spat, which was pretty untrue. Truly, I didn't think I would have lowered myself to pandering the the expectations of the First Order. 

I would die a coward. He smiled, but it looked all wrong.

"Normally," the Officer continued, "this would be punishable by death."

Normally?

I slid my eyes from the stormtroopers to the officer, my body not relaxing in the slightest. I didn't trust his words when he looked at me unempathetically.

"However we were notified of your ... generous abilities by several witness' to your crimes. And it just so happens we are down an engineer."

I almost blurted I wasn't an engineer, only a mechanic, but I managed to stop myself at the last moment. I was not an idiot, this piece of moof shit was giving me a lifeline. Possibly.

There had to be a catch.

His cold, eyes watched mine, that cold spark in them shining like the guillotines axe.

"You will be excused of your crimes against the galaxy if you agree to conscript into the First Order for a period of no less than 15 years." The quirk of his lips suggested that time limit would be prone to sliding up.

And there it was.

The cold fist of the First Order around my neck for almost two decades ... or death.

Cold resolution formed itself out of the ice in my veins.

I would not rob Crissy of another family member. I had to find a way back to her. And I could not do that if my body was rotting in a mass grave with the denizens from the Cantina.

My eyebrow quirked, but I held my face despite my struggling emotions. Deep inside me I thought I felt the force rumble, silent to the worlds ears but my own.

"When do I start?"


	4. The Mandator

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sol is boarded onto the Mandator.
> 
> But before she can be cleared, she has to be asked some questions.
> 
> Will she survive an encounter with Kylo Ren himself?

(TW: Mild physical abuse/torture, misuse of the force, blood.)

The entire way back to the First Order shuttle, I believed I was walking to my execution.

Everything felt so completely unreal, it was almost laughable.

Mercy? From the first order?

We had walked through streets, people turning to stare at me being escorted by two Storm Troopers and an Officer.

I did not need to be a mind reader to figure out what they were thinking. Some faces held shock, others fear from the weaponry in the hands of my chaperone, but most held revulsion and scorn.

More than once I heard someone whisper, "Rebel Scum" at an audible volume.

I had shot the first man who whispered it a venomous glare, but all the same I razed the crowds for signs of Crissy. None, luckily.

Still, the quick pace I couldn't stop fear from piling up. It seemed logical that the First Order would trick a prisoner into believing they had been spared, then dragged to be shot in a square somewhere.

Yet when we finally made out way past the centre of town, to where a transporter was waiting, several other small groups of Troopers marching in from town the hope started to set in.

Hope and terror.

I was going to work for the First Order. Or rather, become them, under the definition of conscription.

For the galaxies biggest threat.

I did not know why I was spared, given an opportunity of redemption but it made me suspicious. And I could not stop looking around at the impossible, unreadable faces surrounding me as we marched forward, boarding the ship.

Despite the Storm Troopers wearing thick helmets, I could feel the draw of eyes on me.

Not droids then.

My spine stiffened as I reached the back of the transport, where a line of seats were, and was motioned by the officer to sit and strap in. I had not yet been off-planet, nor had I ever been in a real ship for a sustained flight, only testing out various controls of clients ships on-world.

My problems however, were quickly replaced by something far more sinister.

I looked past the rows of Storm Troopers, to where another ship, one I hadn't seen due to the rather rapid approach was already taking off. It was roughly shapes like a T, and built like a brick shithouse.

The term stuck in my mind, making my lip quirk before I managed to shove on a stern expression. More eloquently, I guess, I meant to describe how it was fortified to the nine's looking more like a fortified building than a ship.

Not wanting to ask who's it was, thought it was impossible not to be a First Order ship with the black slick of paint on it, I turned my gaze down, watching my hands folded in my lap as the ramp closed with a screech.

The trip into orbit was strange, especially when for a brief moment there was no gravity, and I felt myself rising out of my seat.

Everyone else, most notably the Storm Troopers had no such issue, and were obviously well aware of protocol. I caught myself wondering if their boots had a setting to connect to a surface when 0G's was experienced, and how I might be able to use that technology if it so existed to help boost a ships suction.

During the trip, however short it was, I also got time to ponder the reality of my situation. The tyrannical first order, birthed right out of the hellish empire, was about to become my side.

The First Order was deadly to outside resistance, and I did not want to think of what they would do if they caught wind of my true feelings.

_15 years._ My mind screamed at me. I would be into my thirties if I got my freedom when they said. During that time, Cris would grow into an adult, the people back home would forget my name. Would Crissy even be able to recognise me after? Would I be old, withered?

More scarily, what attrocities would I help to commit during those years?

I closed my eyes, trying to push out the fact I was sitting in a ship- a part of the thing I had been so terrified of helping Poe over.

Maybe I would just be a mechanic- well engineer (another lie I must now keep up with), but did that make me any less guilty of the innocents killed by the First Order?

Did my very presence, helping fix ships, mean I was now guilty of all that happened, no matter how unwilling I was? My minor participation an enabling factor in the slaughter of all those who resisted.

The thoughts chased my eyes open- and I spent the few minutes left of the journey staring wordlessly into the dark ship, an impossible weight on my shoulders.

An hour ago I was a parent to Cris, nothing special about me besides the sensitivity to the force and being good with a wrench. 

The polarisation of my situations was nauseating.

Still, somehow I managed to keep myself from having a breakdown as the ship docked inside what I figured must be the Mandator, and was escorted of the ramp as it lowered.

Bright lights attacked my eyes, and the Officer split me off from the group. Still though, we were followed my two Storm Troopers.

All around me were docked ships and TIE-fighters lining the walls.

To my surprise, I saw that dark, reinforced ship that had taken off before us.

From my new angle I was able to see it's opposite side, and my blood curdled at the sight of the red paint insignia.

The Knights of Ren.

We walked right past it, though my pace faltered.

"Don't stop!" One of the Storm Troopers growled with his augmented voice, paired with a rough shove from the dangerous end of his blaster.

With it, my rational brain cried out. _Why is an employee being escorted at blaster-point?_

And suddenly, the small hope I had built crumbled.

I made forward, despite the fact my stomach had flipped inside of me, a horrible twisting feeling of the gut.

"Where are you taking me?" I asked the Officer.

Before he could reply, we came to a set of doors leading out of the hangar and into the ship's innards. The door had windows, and in the reflection I caught a cruel smirk on the Officer's face as he faced away from me.

I stopped, taking an involuntary step back- right into the Storm Troopers.

A set of bodies on either side of me grabbed my arms, and I was hoisted off the floor.

The doors slid open, and I was dragged forward despite my feet kicking out, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

The Officer's serpent voice sounded from ahead of me, "You didn't think we'd pardon you before an interrogation did you?"

_No._

_No no no no no. This can't be happening._

I kicked out again, but shock had made my actions weak, and the Storm Troopers lifted me up- carrying me against my protests.

"But I don't know anything! Please let me go!" I screeched, glancing over my shoulder to the hangar. Legs bicycling beneath me, striking the floor.

But there was nobody to help me here.

There was nobody to help me at all.

The bravery I had back in my shop, so sure I was going to die- was gone.

I was marched up the corridor, then down a set of steps into what I imagined must be the dungeon- though each was empty.

_I wonder why_ , my mind said bitterly. Though it wasn't hard to guess.

I stopped struggling halfway through the dungeons.

Until we came to a door.

Made of a thick, gleaming piece of steel. Impenetrable.

My eyes skipped in the dim light to the base of the doorframe.

Stains lined the base, like a sick kind of baseboard.

Blood.

Bodies had either been dragged to or from, from this room.

I didn't want to find out.

"Stop please! I don't know anything- I said I would work for you!" I begged, my stomach churning with such fervour I felt it might leap from my mouth as they opened the door, shoving me inside.

I hit the floor, knees protesting as they collided with corrugated metal.

I might have been brave back in the shop, where Crissy stood outside- but I was a coward here. After all, nobody could hear my scream.

"Whilst your promises are noble," The Officer snarked, "Commander Ren will decide for himself if you are as innocent as you declare."

"What?" I whispered, raising my head from the floor.

My bun had come undone, and I felt it unfurling along my spine.

It's all I felt.

Raising my head, I stared up. Not at the Officer. Not even at a horrific metal chair- handcuffs built into it sat next to me. But at a dark, looming figure behind it.

They were facing away from me, and for a second all I could picture were the depictions of Darth Vader- emperor and executioner of the galaxies. A horror story for children. A being left to the dust of time.

Then, it turned.

And the mask, not the one that haunted the dreams of children, but haunted the dreams of my reality came into view.

_I can't let him find out._

Not about the resistance, but about myself. The thing that crawled beneath my skin.

It was almost instinctual as he turned, Kylo Ren that is, like I threw away any part of myself to do with the Force- hiding it in some deep dark part of myself, slamming up pure unfiltered defiance to the First Order.

I had no training against Force-Users, yet I knew all I could do was try to hold my own. Otherwise I was already dead. But was it too late? Or he too powerful?

Something, a dark slithering thing, curled around me.

Around my force-self.

I ignored it, only reacting as the Storm Troopers lifted my squirming form up, turning me around and slamming me into that metal chair.

Clamps tightened over my wrist, ankles and midsection.

It didn't matter, because the attention of the dark being, stalking around to my front would have pinned me anyway.

I was not weak, nor would I go easily. But the presence of a being I truly believed would never curse my days was shocking.

"Can't let me find out what?" Came a rasping, deep voice.

I jolted, snapping my eyes from the retreating Storm Troopers and Officer to that masked monster.

Pushing all my energy into a wall around my mind, every single bit of defiance I had, I spat, "I have no idea what your talking about."

An invisible force struck out, snapping my head back into the headrest with bruising force.

"You just thought, 'I can't let him find out?' Find out what? You've gone silent" His voice came again.

Kylo Ren, Commander of the First Order, was right in front of me. I might be sick, had not every atom of my being forcing up a shield of pure, desperate defence, whilst shoving my force-self to the very dregs of my mind.

Something slick moved in the force, and I almost gagged as the stench of power- smelling like iron and blaster fire filled my senses.

_Not real._ I snapped to myself. _Not this world._ I meant the Force.

"There, again," Kylo Ren mused, the force that pinned my head pushing against my shoulders now too, "Your thoughts shout themselves out of silence. How are you hiding the rest from me?"

Panic burst through me. He surely couldn't hear every word, otherwise he would have slaughtered me already, and I begged the universe he couldn't sense the force on me either.

It was all I had left, bar my own damned resistance.

"Tell me." He snapped, that voice crackling ever so slightly behind the mask.

I did not have time to prepare myself before the pain started.

A horrific, pressing sensation against my conscious. Like a fist around my brain.

Gasping in a breath, I hissed against the feeling- my eyes squeezing shut of their own accord.

I would not give him an inch, not a single damn one.

"I don't know what you mean." I spat, steely.

The pressure eased, and I took a moment to draw in breath before opening my eyes.

I shouldn't of.

The mask was inches away from my face, startling me.

"Tell me where the resistance pilot went then."

Resistance pilot? "Poe?" I asked, before realising I had just made an audible mistake.

Force sparked against my skin, though I ignored it with damned desperation.

The mask tilted, and a single gloved hand pressed against my arm. Followed by that presence around my mind.

This time I could not ignore the force.

My arm was burning, blood boiling inside my veins.

I screamed, holding onto that wall of adamant I still held in my mind. 

I would not be able to hold it forever, but it was all I could do.

The burning stopped, bringing tears to my eyes. The ghost of flames still licked at my skin, though I knew it wasn't happening to my real body. Just my mind.

Just as I took in another breath- FIRE.

My voice shredded itself as my whole left side was set aflame. Blood boiling, skin turning to ash and cracking like dried earth.

I almost did not notice when it stopped, still clinging to my mental shields like a lifeboat in an ocean.

I did not dare to open my eyes, let alone move.

The whisp of a cloak against my arm, and I bit my lip- pressing myself against the seat as hard as I could.

I was in the lion's den. And I was scared, really scared.

For myself. For Cris. One moment of weakness, and he might make his way into my brain. See Cris, see my power.

"You are ... resistant to my advance? How?" Kylo Ren's voice came, bringing more tears to my eye.

I shook my head, trembling lips pressed together.

_Over my dead body._

I expected pain, and as the seconds went by I felt my knees wobble. With relief or pure, undiluted terror of why he might be waiting, I opened my eyes.

Only to have a horrific, crushing hand grip my throat.

I went to reach up, to pry that invisible hand away from me, to get precious air into my lungs. But my wrists were bound, and I strained uselessly against those bonds.

Kylo Ren stood, a step back, hands by his side.

It took no effort, yet with every passing second I felt my wet eyes straining, lungs burning and a building pressure in my head.

"Where's the pilot?"

I couldn't speak, and I thrashed my limbs uselessly trying to free myself- to where I did not know, but just to make the situation stop.

_Please_ , I begged the silent universe, _make it stop._

My prayers fell upon empty ears.

I strained, black spots covering my vision- distorting the masked monster before me.

In my gut, I felt my force-body scream out in terror- ready to explode. Or implode. Rip apart my physical one to stop the pain.

I could not fight the pain and my power at the same time.

And I could not give up my secrets.

No resistance fighter was worth this, worth Cris' safety.

JAKKU, I screamed in my mind, vision going totally numb as my lungs set to explode.

Anything to stop this. I would give him anything.

The pressure eased, and I was instantly raking in breath's to my ruined lungs, bend over as far as the damned seat would allow.

Tears exploded across my face, though I had not cried since I was a child- since my parents had left. 

I was still trying to force air into those damaged lungs, when I felt leather on my face, a hand pulling my chin up to meet the mask.

"Thank you."

It dawned on me then, what I had done. Even if I did not like Poe- I had just given him a death sentence. Him and whoever he was meeting.

His blood was on my hands. I could almost feel it.

And this could only be the beginning.

Sorrow crippled me as I stared into that dark mask. _Somewhere behind that is a face- a man. Did he not feel guilt for all the lives on his hands? Was he once like me, heart being ripped apart by his guilt._

"I do not." He spoke, augmented voice and all, leaning in to intimidate me.

Realising I must have let those words slip past my metal shield- I pushed all of my energy, fleeting as it was to the pure thought of repelling him from my mind.

My chest heaved, still struggling to pull in breath. I could not trust my voice, but the grating in my throat from simply inhaling said enough about how it might be faring.

Sudden, erosive rage built inside of me. My body moved by its own, launching me forward as I brought my forehead against his mask with crunching force.

Pain exploded across my face, right in the middle. My nose.

But my rage, that blinding red had given me fruits- Kylo Ren, Commander of the First Order stumbled back a step, gloved hand lifting to that mask.

I snorted, unable to hold back the laughter.

Death would surely greet me for this, for my inability to keep calm, but I couldn't help but find it hilarious.

I, a simple mechanic, born with but a touch of the Force in her veins, got in a hit on the Commander of the First Order. Of a Sith. A monster.

I laughed again, even as pain warmed my face, blood running over my mouth- watching as Kylo Ren pressed a button behind his ear, and slid off the mask.

I was not prepared for the face.

I thought I would see a man- weathered and old. Cruel, with eyes glowing of his misdeeds.

But he was not, and his eyes, were not Sith eyes. The rumours were wrong. They were not red and yellow, but brown.

He even looked ... young. 

Older than me yes, but far too young to be running the First Order. With long, almost fluffy black hair. Angry, of course.

My lip curled, this was the man everyone feared?

I was even smiling, heart flying like the fastest ship in the galaxy, when he drew that lightsabre- his weapon of mass murder and ignited it.

I had never seen one in person, nobody really had.

It was beautiful, the red like a lovers kiss or the ripest cherries.

I should be terrified, praying to the gods for forgiveness. But I was entranced, as the tip of it swung to just beneath my chin.

It was hot and cold at the same time, and I smiled at it in wonder. Perhaps I was in shock, the laughter and rebellion would definitely suggest so, but it was beautiful.

_Such a shame the lightsabres were lost after the republic fell. They look like a persons force body, only more pure and undiluted by emotions._

"You know of a persons force body?" 

This voice was unchanged my machines, and my eyes flicked up, fear entering me for the first time.

Kylo Ren's lip was cracked, the red beginning to ooze out of it the same colour as his sabre.

My metal shields had lowered, enough for the thoughts to slip through.

His dark eyes met mine, and something inside me collapsed.

I tried to snap my shields back up, but not fast enough- there were black fingers in my mind- holding it in place.

NO, I thought, though my physical body could not move past the widening terror on my face.

The lightsabre hissed, but it was quiet compared the raging white noise in my head.

I pushed at those fingers, even if they were just sitting there, not yet probing further.

A mistake, I fell down them, like they were some kind of horrific descending slide into his mind.

Suddenly, I was looking from a pair of eyes not my own, seeing my scared face, angry red marks around my throat, blood pouring from my nose onto my best clothes.

I felt, anger, desolation, curiosity all at once- and most notably the force.

I had never let myself fall into it, pull at it and push like a sailor- but Kylo Ren did. It flowed around him, in him, bending to his will.

Then- confusion and horror.

Not my own, his. He was still in his mind, trapped.

In a single instant, he realised this- and I was shoved back into my own body.

My very soul felt out of place, but in those first brief moments- Kylo Ren's eyes met my own.

He looked ... scared.

I slammed up the walls in my mind, with such a force I was surprised my brain didn't shatter with the effort of it.

The fingers pulled away before I snapped them off, and with them Ren reeled back, the lightsabre un-igniting. His eyes bore into mine, and in their reflection I saw an angry, bloody girl. One who I did not recognise, but realised I would come to.

His fear was replaced by anger. A hand gripped by chin, ignoring the blood that leaked onto his gloves, Commander Ren's own lip echoed my own injury.

"WHAT DID YOU SEE?" He shouted at me, eyes jumping from mine like he was searching for answers.

Here's my chance, I thought. Lie through your teeth.

Pulling my eyebrows together I moved my head back, "What do you mean?"

"HOW DID YOU DO THAT?!" 

I was both terrified and exhilarated. I did not know, but I would not give him the satisfaction.

"What are you talking about? Are you CRAZY?!" I shrieked, bringing tears to my eyes, "One second your threatening me with a lightsabre and the next your screaming at me."

Doubt flickered in those dark eyes, and I had to fight back a smile.

His hand tightened on my jaw, making my teeth practically crack.

"Be very careful before speaking your next words, if your lying I'll cut out your tongue."

Those tears I was brewing spilled over my cheeks, mixing with the blood and spilling onto black leather.

"I don't know what your-" _hiccup,_ "talking about. I told you all I know about the resistance, please let me go."

I let my real fear, fear for Crissy spill onto my face, yet still holding those walls of adamant up.

The doubt and anger melted off his face.

Melted into a calm mask, even if his real one was lying discarded on the floor.

He stood for a long moment, watching me.

Time stood still.

Perhaps my ruse didn't work, perhaps the tears I blinked back, trying to compose myself weren't believable enough.

Then, all of a sudden he turned on his heel.

The mask at his feet ripped through the air to an empty hand, and he fastened it over his head, taking the time to put away the lightsabre too.

I waited, for a word, for the force's grip and the snap of my neck, for even a single glance that would alert me to how they were going to kill me.

I knew, in my heart of hearts that such disrespect I showed, not to mention the strange mind-meddling, could not go unpunished.

But all the same, the door swung open and Kylo Ren strode out, as if I didn't exist.

As he moved past the door, I saw the Troopers and the Officer standing, watching their master for a sign of my guilt.

I thought I was hallucinating when that voice rasped, "She knows nothing of use. Put her to work."

My heart stopped. Brain stopped.

Everything **stopped.**

"What?" I whispered, my lips barely moving.

I did not get an answer.

Kylo Ren with his heavy footfalls strode past the Storm Troopers, and disappeared into the ship.

The Officer walked in, and commented something- what it was, I didn't catch. Then turned to leave without his lackeys- following the Commander.

My eyes were fixed on the retreating figure.

Kylo Ren. 

He hadn't sensed my force. Hadn't seen into my mind. Hadn't processed me as a threat.

I was unbound, stumbling right into one of the Storm Troopers who caught me this time.

"You're lucky to be alive," the second Trooper spoke, a woman's voice.

I didn't know they made those.

I tore my eyes away from the empty hall, the sight of it hollowing out my soul, and blinked up at the Trooper.

Arms gripped mine, but not in a harsh way.

"You're one of us now kiddo. Better look sharp." The man spoke.

He had been the one to shove a blaster at me, but I couldn't muster a frown to shoot at him.

I stood, feeling weak and exhausted and _hollow_.

"We'll show you to the engineers dorm." The woman said, her voice distorted slightly.

I just nodded, wiping my bloody face on my shirt.

"You can take a shower before you start shift." She commented.

I did not want to think of my clothes. Picked out mere hours ago by Cris, or by extension by baby sister, who was now all alone in the world. I could not think about how I had left her like our parents had before.

I couldn't respond to the Trooper. Not even say thank you as they walked me away from that room. From all that just happened.

Ten seconds down. 14 years, 364 days, 23 hours, fifty nine minutes and fifty seconds left.

Easy ... right?


	5. Engineer Nox

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nox takes some time to reflect before her first shift starts.

The two Storm Troopers who's name I had yet to learn escorted me to the Engineer's dorm.

It took perhaps 10 minutes, during which I realised I was going to have to become acquainted with the ship's layout if I ever hoped to get anywhere on time.

On the way, the female Trooper began to explain to me the inner workings of the Mandator- her male counterpart only interjecting when she wasn't sure of something.

Much like I had expected, all of the ship's staff- those who did the manual labour where housed in different sections.

The Engineers and those of the same ilk were housed near the main hangar- obviously so we could get to and from work without a wait. All of the kitchen staff and cleaners lived nearest to the mess hall, and then sanitation workers, seamstresses, weapon specialists etc were housed by the very rear of the ship.

Storm Troopers had their own quarters a few levels above, with a dozen in each room making up larger units of soldiers. The Knights of Ren she mentioned, also took residence on one of their floors.

I made sure to note which one she mentioned so I would never have to go up there.

And above them was the Officer's rooms and other senior staff.

Leading to the very top level of the ship where the command brig was. Somewhere I was also keen to never visit.

The hall we were walking through was tight enough we could only walk in two's, so the woman took the lead- letting the man march next to me.

"So, that's pretty much most of the essentials," She commented as we turned a corner, the floor suddenly painted blue. "That's just marking this is a space for the workers in their off time and not a part of the ship's workings."

I nodded, itching at my face.

During the journey I had stopped bleeding, but my nose had began to throb with a fury, and I was keen to wash off the blood. I must have looked truly horrific, though we never passed anyone for me to judge their reaction by.

"Where are all the workers?" I asked, voice crackling.

I could than his Asshole Lordship Kylo Ren for that.

The man answered this time, "Probably still working, though it's almost time for lunch."

I looked at him quizzically, he hadn't looked at a watch.

"Do you have clocks inside your helmets?" I asked out loud, immediately regretting it.

The helmet turned, and I could almost imagine the man underneath looking at me.

"Among other things."

I got his drift, obviously meaning I wasn't meant to ask questions so I nodded and faced forward.

At the end of the hall there was a door which hissed as it slid open, presenting a circular common area full of tables piled high of papers, datapads and wirey lumps of metal and bulbs.

It felt like home, or at least my shop back there. A place of creation, long hours and impossible ideas that would explode in your face to laughter of your family.

Around the circle were dorms splitting off inside smaller rooms, probably fitting two dozen persons in each.

"Solstice, do you want to put your hand here?" The woman Storm Trooper asked, pointing to a small datastation just inside the entrance, a shute next to it humming quietly.

I raised a hand, taking a step forward but hesitated just before I placed it on. 

Was I really doing this? Even for Cris.I had a shot of unease in my stomach. The people here were monsters, cogs in the machine that crushed civilisations. I wasn't an Engineer- and I definitely had no idea how to fake becoming one.

All of my special understandings of the inner-workings of electronics came from using the force- which was now no longer an option if Kylo Ren or his bastard knights were stalking the ship. Not to mention there was no way in hell he could have truly bought my ruse. I had mentioned a persons force-body, which I was pretty sure I'd never heard pass anyone's lips in stories of the Jedi, and instead was taken from my own experience.

It was just a matter of time until someone caught me in a lie, or trying to escape.

Did it matter if I put my hand on that data point, scanning in my details and selling my soul to the devil if I was only living on borrowed time anyway.

I blinked, shaking my head and pressed my hand down against the screen.

It was just a matter of time. And that bitter, reckless resolve I had used to headbutt the Commander of the First Order came flooding back. I had not done it to be brave, nor to resist as my last action within this life.

I had done it out of spite.

A blue line scanned up and down my hand, then one came from a small camera- cataloguing my face.

And in that moment, as a tiny needle came out to take a piece of my DNA, puncturing my finger- something settled within me.

I would become their stupid engineer. I would fix their ships. I would memorise the layout of their ships and the inner-teachings of their people.

I would learn everything I could.

And then, I would bring them crumbling down.

For taking me away from Cris, leaving her alone to the world. For torturing someone who had already given up. For Poe, and for making his blood fall on my hands whenever they found him.

The scan stopped.

I took back my hand massaging the small puncture wound, it stung, but the flame in my face was worse.

From beside the data point, a small card was ejected, and I took it- looking over at what I assumed was my new ID. A small roll of fabric hissed down the shute, coming to a rest by it's opening.

I heard the Troopers move, and I turned around to them- offering what I hoped looked like a soft smile, for I was trying not to snarl at them.

"Thank you, for showing me where to go."

They just looked at each other, and the woman shrugged, "Good luck kid. Stay out of trouble and you'll do fine."

I nodded, watching as they retreated down the corridor.

It took everything I had not to flip them off as I had done to the regulatory system back on that ship yesterday, and I had to clench my hands into fists to avoid the temptation.

 _Was it only yesterday?_ My mind whispered. Suddenly, it felt like weeks had passed since that oily regulatory system- since I had watched Cris sleep like a baby.

Sucking in a breath I grabbed my new uniform, looking at the ID card and my dorm number stamped on it: a 7.

Looking around the room, I spotted it hanging over the door right next to the bathrooms which were directly across from the outer door.

I pocketed the ID, and began walking through the maze of tables and chairs. The area wasn't furnished to be comfortable- I doubted anything above this hellscape was, but it felt lived in. Glancing at one of the many papers, I saw the blueprints for a TIE-fighter, and next to it what looked to be some kind of sketch of a massive engine labelling all of the faults, areas for improvement and even how it might fit into a space.

Not wanting to look suspicious, even though there was nobody here, I quickened my speed to my dorm, the door sliding open for me.

It was humble inside, with sets of bunks three-high packed in like sardine cans and built into the walls so they looked like shelves with mattresses.

Every bed looked lived in, and I had to take my imitative to guess which was mine. It was one of the top bunks right in the corner of the dorm, the sheets pressed in and folded expertly whereas the rest looked like people had slept in them. 

I fished my hand into my pocket so I could toss my ID onto the bed, but my fingers touched cold metal.

Sucking in a sharp breath, I pushed my hand in further- touching the smooth glass of my datapad.

I whipped it out of my pocket, sending the ID card skittering onto the floor.

The glass and metal was like a ray of hope- burning past the swirl of dark emotions in my chest.

Instantly I brought up the messaging feature, fingers flying over the screen as I typed out a message to Crissy.

I was on the verge of hitting send when rationality caught up.

I wasn't just on some passenger ship, I wasn't working for some mining corporation. I was on board the Mandator- there was no possible way I could get this message out without it flagging some kind of warning on the brig.

Backspacing, I clutched the datapad against my chest- feeling like something real and safe.

Even if it was useless to contact my little sister with.

Taking a deep breath I unclenched my arms- sliding it under my pillow.

"I'll find a way." I promised myself in that broken voice, before gathering my new clothes and the ID card and marching to the bathrooms.

~~~  
  


I swore in shock when I saw my reflection.

Wild hair, drawn tear-stained face, blood covering my whole lower face and of course: horrible red marks of Kylo Ren's force hand around my throat.

I reached up with two fingers, trailing my damaged skin gently despite a subtle sting.

"Piece of shit." I rasped, looking at the marks of fingers.

Most worrying, however, was my nose.

It was bent, obviously broken, and bruises were already growing around my slowly swelling eyes and nose that were reflected back to me in one of the mirrors. I was going to have to fix it.

 _GREAT._ I hissed in my mind. _I'm going to look like a circus freak for weeks._

I was so focused on my nose and the pain of lightly prodding it I did not notice the force slither within me, awakening from it's force slumber.

From over my shoulder, I felt the exhale of breath raising the hair on the back of my neck.

I turned, braid whipping around my shoulder as I stared at the empty bathroom behind me.

_Oh my god. I'm going crazy._

My hands gripped the basin behind me, but slowly enough I turned around, running my hand over those small hairs as I glared into the mirror.

_Just bloody psyching myself out before I can set my nose._

I shook my head, crushing my eyes closed. I could not leave my nose how it was, and I had set Crissy's once when she faceplanted in my shop a few years back.

 _I can do this, I CAN DO THIS._ I hyped myself up mentally, thinking of all I had just been through.

If I could withstand nearly dying, being set on fire mentally, and everything else Kylo Ren had subjected me to I could set one tiny bone.

Not giving myself another second to back out of it, I gave my folded uniform perched on the sink a cursory glance- and twisted my broken nose.

My face crunched, the taste of metal shooting though my mouth.

"FUCK!" I screamed in my raw voice, but kept my hands holding the nose in the right place.

Blood spattered out, painting the dried stuff a bright red again.

Panting I opened my eyes, watching as the blood- though less than before dripped into the sink.

Before I turned on the tap to wash it away, I thought back to Commander Ren's lightsaber.

The colour was the same, and the white hot pain striking through my face felt like the saber when it had been held against my skin. 

Even in my delirium of torture, I had been right. It was beautiful. What I wouldn't give to own one, to have such a weapon by my side. Not even for any particular reason- just that it looked so entrancing with pure, endless light.

I laughed, throat protesting at the noise.

I was no jedi, and even if I got off this hell forsaken ship alive I would never risk using the force by interacting with one of their creations.

My nose's flow of blood slowed, and I began to was the sink, swilling my hands before I realised they too were coated in scarlet. 

Shaking my head I turned the tap off, drying my hands on already stained clothes and picking up the uniform- heading straight for a stall. I could not wash off it all here, simply striping for a shower would get off the blood and sweat coating me like a second skin.

Of course, as there were no other inhabitants present, I simply strode into the first stall, placing my new uniform on a shelf- and simply stepped out of my bloodied clothes.

As I was trying to figure out how to turn on the shower head, I couldn't help but feeling vulnerable.

I was standing, naked as the day I was born on an enemy ship, without any way to defend myself if one day they put together what I was.

Shaking my head I ran a hand over my braided hair.

I couldn't think like that. Couldn't let the fear and horror win, otherwise I should have died back in my shop.

The water sprayed on, and I stepped under it.

I can't let the fear and horror win, I told myself.

But I could allow myself a moment of weakness, just to let everything out.

I sank to the shower floor- letting the hot jet spray my aching face, and hide the fat- rolling tears that began sliding from my eyes.

It was like I had opened the floodgates, the fear and stress of the last day flooding out of me.

Crissy's medicine almost breaking, the force, the cantina and Poe. 

Poe. I prayed he had the sense to be quick with his business on Jakku. To escape whilst he still had the chance. I prayed with reverence to the silent stars that he would not blame me for his death when it came, for I surely was.

I mourned my freedom, mourned Crissy's absence. I had never gone a day in my life without her beside me, laughing at me and with me.

Then came the people at the cantina, all of them brutally murdered by one of Ren's lackeys.

Guilt pulsed through me. I did not know why they were slaughtered, but I found myself blaming the Force.

I had used in mine and Crissy's apartment, and again at the cantina. Something told me the ripples I had sent of may not have been the ones I felt back. That perhaps I had made a disturbance in the force that led a knight to the cantina.

All of those men and women, their blood was on my hands.

I sobbed silently, drowning myself in grief whilst I still could, before I had to shut it off and push through.

I was not a crier. But in this moment, it was all I had to let go of the vortex of emotion inside of me.

The Force had killed those people in the cantina, and it was me who had disturbed it. I had been right, back in my apartment. It taints everything it touches.

My mind wandered to that room in the dungeons. To the way my body had been set aflame my Kylo Ren's use of the force. To the sureness I had felt that I would die.

It felt impossible, to believe one was doomed one minute, and then alive the next.

Still, I felt like I was hurtling towards a precipice- a guillotine hanging above my head.

I let it all out, then turned my thoughts to Cris.

My bouncing baby sister, always sick and always small. How would she cope? I could only hope that the seamstress I had bought from before would take her in- after all I had seen a sign in her shops window mere days before.

It took me a few minutes, but before long the sorrow had run itself dry and I was left with a burning resolve.

I was going to make the First Order pay.

Standing, I helped haul myself up with an arm and properly wash myself under the shower until the water ran clear, then turned off the water to enact the drying system.

I had never been in a ship before, but I had fixed more than my fare share of body driers.

Turns out I shouldn't have been so impressed, it ended up being hot air blown at me until my body and hair dried.

Stepping out, I pulled on my uniform- thanking the stars it wasn't the pompous clothing of Officers. Instead it was a deep, deep navy of thick material.

I pulled on the trousers, and then a crisp white shirt. There were suspenders to keep the trousers up which I also donned, and then a robust jumper with what I assumed to be an engineers logo.

There was also a cap similar to an Officers, but I refused to put the ugly thing on my head yet.

All too soon, I was dressed.

I hated how nice the clothes felt, thick and well fitted compared to my older clothing.

Talking of, I scooped my bloodied things up after quickly tugging on my boots, and stepped out of the stall to search for somewhere to put them.

~~~

In the end, I couldn't find somewhere to wash them, so I folded them and placed them on my bed with a vow to ask someone when I next saw a worker.

I was turning to leave my dorm when I heard voices, bright and nothing like the Storm Troopers augmented tones I had been cursed with conversation before.

I did not have any time to prepare myself for meeting others when the door slid open, and two people in identical uniforms to me walked in.

"I can't believe he broke another monitor, that's the third time this mo- Oh hello." The first one spoke, lifting her head.

She was a female, blonder than Crissy had been with hair like ice and eyes of blue.

The second person, a man- or rather a boy beside her was at least two years my junior and blinked at me in shock.

"Uh- hello." I croaked out, cursing Commander shitface for the way my throat hissed.

The woman looked me over, smiling tentatively, "Are you the new engineer? They said they were bringing one in."

Glancing back at my bunk with my stained clothes I nodded, almost in question, "Yeah."

The woman, although she was similar to my own age stared at my neck, just visible above my shirt collar.

Her face paled, matching her colleagues who had already noticed the marks as she saw my clothes and then my throat.

"Oh my stars- what did you do?"

I defensively reached up to rub at my neck, realising despite my shower I probably looked rough as shit.

I shook my head, at loss for words.

The boy next to her, I noticed, looked incredibly similar. Brother perhaps?

The woman coughed, holding out one of her hands to break the tension, "Well you better thank your lucky stars, that's how your predecessor went."

I took it, frowning at what she meant before I was able to piece it together.

And empty bunk, a engineer needed.

"Kylo Ren killed someone onboard?"

The boy shushed me, looking around like there were cameras watching him, "Yes, and it's Commander, if you use his name you'll get in trouble."

I nodded, immediately curious.

"What happened?" I asked, gesturing to the bunk, my ruined voice rasping.

The boy shook his head and stepped away, crossing to a bunk where he hunted around for something.

The woman rolled her eyes at the boy, "He can't hear us. I don't care what Engineer Stewart say's he's not omniscient."

She smiled at me, eyes roving over my broken face, "My names Engineer Holden, and that one is my cousin Engineer Palston. What's yours?"

I blinked, taking a moment to study her uniform. It was similar to mine, if stained somewhat with oil. Obviously, she did manual work as well.

"Uh- Engineer Nox." I said, thinking back to my ID card now stowed in my pocket. They didn't use first names here.

Holden -I would refuse to think the Engineer before her name every time- nodded, and whistled to her cousin.

"Well your lucky Nox. It's lunch time, you managed to miss over first shift." Her cousin, who came walking back with a datapad in his hands gave me a small berth, eyes trailing those marks on my neck.

 _Obviously it wasn't a common scene to escape_ Commander _Ren and live_ , I picked up.

Holden beckoned her head, and I followed after a moment of pause as we walked back into the main common area of the Engineer's dorm.

Unsurprisingly, after all of todays antics, I wasn't that hungry anyway.


End file.
